Child's Play

Matthew 19:13-14

Then people brought little children to Jesus for Him to place his hands on them and pray for them.  But the disciples rebuked them.  Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." 

My first peek into the professional golf world came in a similar fashion to most kids. 

Watching the PGA Tour events on television started to capture my imagination and attention around the age of 13.  I specifically remember watching the Masters tournament for the first time in 2004 when Phil Mickelson birdied the 18th hole to beat Ernie Els.  The inspiration I received from watching led to many hours of imitation and helped kindle my ever growing passion for competitive golf.  In the summer after 7th grade, I remember Dad scoring tickets to the John Deere Classic in the Quad Cities.  He, plus my grandparents and I loaded up and made the two hour trip east on Interstate 80.  My memory can vividly recall so many of the players and shots I watched that day.  I left in utter amazement of the entire experience.  I remember wondering how these players got to that point and what somebody had to accomplish to get to the PGA Tour.

Fast forward to August of 2012 and I'm seven years further down my journey, getting ready to go into my junior season at Henderson State.  I'm having some success at the time, and absolutely loving the process of getting better and honing my craft.  In the back of my mind I knew after graduating I wanted to play professional golf, but I didn't know exactly where and how I would get started. When you're not an All-American or don't have a pile of money ready at your disposal, the road isn't as clear cut.  I understood what Qualifying School was, what mini-tours were, and the step-by-step process a player would go through to get there.  All I wanted at the time was an opportunity to "grind" with the guys striving to get on the PGA Tour.  I loved practice, travel, and competition.  In a child like mindset, all I wanted was to do what I loved.

During that summer of 2012, and the following summer of 2013 I played in the Iowa Open.  For me those two weeks were opportunities to test myself against the state open "level", which always hosts great players.  You will consistently see the best club professionals from that state, mini-tour players, and the states best amateur players.  Many of the mini-tour players or even some of the club professionals have at some point had a high level of success, maybe some PGA Tour starts, or maybe a few of the amateurs have had recent high success in the national amateur scene.  In short, it was a great way for me to assess my skills vs there's and to learn what "chasing the dream" was all about.  

I didn't light up the world those two weeks, but I did manage to make the cut.  The experience was so valuable at the time.  I specifically recall playing with two players who have had some recent success, one is a member of the PGA Tour and another now on the Web.Com Tour.  Being able to get an up close look at what tour caliber golf was, I left with a specific thought.

"I can do this."

That's not all I took away, however.  

I remember the overall mentality and attitudes I felt from many players those two weeks.  I got the sense of discouragement, cynicism, and negativity from so many players.  Comments they made about themselves, how the money(purse) that week was terrible, or their games had an overwhelmingly dreadful outlook.  This was something I was shocked at during the time.  I didn't understand it then, but when you play for your income vs. playing for fun as an amateur golfer there is a whole extra mental aspect to the results.  To my in-experienced mind these players were closer to "making it" than anyone else, and here they were with some of the worst attitudes I had ever seen.  I knew the guys weren't rich that played mini-tour events, but after all they were getting a chance to chase after something they had most likely worked towards for a long time.  All I could think at the time was, "why"?

In short, I saw a lot of this..

It made such an impression on me that in the spring of 2014 right before I was about to embark on my professional journey, I wrote this in my journal...

"One of the most important elements for me to have a successful professional career will be my overall mental outlook on my career and life (perspective). Throughout my time playing competitively I have seen many poor attitudes and players that are detrimental to themselves.  Especially in the experience I gained in the last two Iowa Open's, I saw many players that seemed miserable playing golf professionally. Even though the Iowa Open and "state open" level isn't an extremely high level like the PGA Tour or Web.Com Tour, the opportunity to play professionally is something to not be taken for granted. Many people in this world beg for any type of work, and here I sit with this opportunity.  I will need to keep a positive, resilient attitude to have long term success.  Also, and most importantly, I will need to keep my identity in Christ, not in my golf game.  Ultimately I don't have complete control of my future so I cannot put my identity in golf because I could end up in another field.  This is out of my control, but having Christ at the center of my life is within my 

control."

Simple enough, right?

Junior golf at Cardinal Hills

Over the past seven years I've had the opportunity to be involved in a lot of junior golf in my neck of the woods thanks to my friend John Shawver.  "Free Junior Golf Saturdays" at Fore Seasons in Newton, IA was the theme for this summer.  If I wasn't away competing on a Saturday there was no chance I was going to miss seeing these kids.  The time spent with them is always worthwhile, their spirit is infectious and they are always genuine.  I've tried to learn while watching them, here is what I've gathered.

Kids (almost always)

- Trust their teacher.  They inherently understand they don't know as much.

- Believe in themselves.  If you give them a challenge, they try repeatedly until they accomplish it.

- Relish positive outcomes.  If they hit 1 good shot and 10 bad ones, you'll hear about the good one.

- Enjoy playing.  You'll always hear laughing, and see smiling.

Simple enough, right?

Chipping contests with Landon

Obviously everyone loses their way at times, but I always seem to learn things the hard way.  I've sensed a change in myself going on this season that I haven't been able to vocally articulate.  Armed with what I know from my Iowa Open experiences plus what I know from junior golf, I assumed that keeping perspective would be something that I can tackle easily.

- Why then did I throw my 4-iron into a gator infested lake in April while playing a casual round with friends? That doesn't seem very joyful. 

- Why then does playing well now feel like "what I'm supposed to do" instead of something I can relish?

- Why then do I find myself making casual pessimistic comments about my game instead of believing I have what it takes?

- Why then have I found myself doubting teachers who have poured so much into my life?

Based on the above truths that have been occurring in my life, I can say with assurance my perspective has been gradually slipping.  I know the skeptics are thinking, "well you're finally just facing the reality you're not going to make it".  Possibly they'll say, "many players have to face the music".  It wouldn't shock me if "you're finally seeing how hard it is," crossed their mind.

Sorry to disappoint skeptics, you are wrong.

Goofing around after practice 

So much of our perspective is based on what the world tells us about ourselves.  I often refer to it as the "noise".  The noise is any comment or thought we hear in daily life that sticks in our minds as a way to define ourselves. Where does this noise come from? It can come from almost anywhere but here are some examples:

-Friends

-Acquaintances 

-Family

-Co-workers

-Social Media

-T.V.

-Competitors

The noise doesn't always sound the same, I'm sure many of my golfing brethren can attest to that.  When you're growing up and improving rapidly confidence comes easily.  Many people surrounding you are quick to tell you how great you're doing, and how you are bound for success.  This easily leads to arrogance and pride, which would definitely describe my 18 year old-self.  When you start listening and believing that noise, you take form to whatever it tells you.

Likewise, when you turn professional and start pursuing the tour, the noise takes on a different tone.  When things go your way people are quick to jump in your boat, but when they are not going your way people start to question what you are doing.  They don't do it in a confrontational way, sometimes it's even in a caring way. Comments I've gotten this year vary. This summer I was told, "you have a time limit", and just yesterday I was told "you should get your amateur status back".  Peers, competitors, and professionals who are no longer competing love the social media narrative, "golf is hard". Competitive golf can be hard! However, it becomes a lot harder when you're losing your perspective on why you started playing it in the first place.

The golfing world likes to tell me that unless I'm on the PGA Tour and living in a multi-million dollar house, I'm struggling.  The reality is I'm typing this on my apple lap-top. The reality is I'm not wondering where my next meal is coming from. The reality is if you're reading this, you're likely living in some of the greatest luxury the world has ever known. 

This kid makes everybody smile, I promise

Now that the off-season has come for me, I'm facing the question of how do I recover my slipping perspective?  The truth is I don't think I can do the saving myself.  I'll need help in climbing back up that hill, but for now I'm going to do the best I can to play like a child in the 2018-2019 season.  This doesn't mean I'm disregarding proper strategy.  It doesn't mean I'm going to care less.  It doesn't mean I'm going to goof around more. What it does mean is I'm going to trust my Teacher.

Because I trust that Teacher, I'm going to believe His love is enough to face the challenges in front of me.  Because I can face my challenges, I'm going to relish the blessings he provides in that fight.  Because I'll relish those blessings, you may just see some smiles.

Your word is a lamp to my feet, a light to my path.

The Numbers

Phillippians 2:13 

"For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose."

Unless you live under a rock, you may have noticed something about our culture.  We are obsessed with numbers.  Just take a look around you and you'll see what I'm talking about.  Every single time any news is reported, a statistic is included.  Any time a person does something significant, it's measured and compared to someone else.  Heck, even when I post this blog I'll be able to see how many people viewed it, when they viewed, how they viewed, and what country they viewed it from.  Do you use social media? Every button you press while using it is being analyzed.  As someone who is always seeking knowledge I find this natural. In our desire to learn and understand, we analyze the numbers.  There is hardly anything I can think of in this world anymore that isn't somehow analyzed, measured, or given a quantifiable figure to define it.  We desire to understand the world we are living in and I'm no different.  I analyze the world around me constantly.  I'm not suggesting we are all like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, but it's hard for me to ignore our cultures obsession.  We measure everything, and golf is no different.  

Allow me to illustrate what I mean.

If you keep up with the golf world you've probably seen or heard some new things and words being used in the past ten years, but especially the last three to five.  Data driven golf has taken over the game, and you'd be hard pressed to find a tour professional who isn't somehow incorporating it into his game.  Let's start with the most known and popular piece of technology, a 25,000$ orange box. This orange box is called Trackman, it measures club and ball data through the hitting area of a golf shot.  It is just one of many new measuring tools being used by the best in the world. 

If you're watching on tv, trackman will produce numbers like these (left side of the screen) and another technology called pro-tracer will track the ball.

This data tracking has become so common that if you stand on a PGA Tour or European Tour range during warm-up or practice round days, you'll probably see more guys checking out their numbers than not.

It doesn't stop there.  Oh no we are only getting started! Your performance on the course is now becoming more quantifiable.  Statistical programs are being used by almost every tour professional and I'm no different.  In fact, I'm using two of them!  One is called ShotByShot and the other DECADE.  Here is a small glimpse of the numbers I'm able to gather from each.

It doesn't stop there either. Golf course management, planning, green reading, and decision making have all becoming quantifiable and measured by numbers. Here is what a PGA Tour yardage book looks like inside.

Ever wonder what the heck a tour pro may be looking at in a yardage book when he only has a eight foot putt left to finish the round? He's looking at numbers. Here's a peek at a professional greens book that many pros are using. 

I could go on and on but I imagine you get my point.  We are obsessed with measuring and counting.  Now, before you go thinking that I'm about to spit out some old-school mumbo jumbo about how this all takes away your feel and it's not natural let me stop you right there. I am a HUGE fan of all this data.  Why? 

As the old saying goes "the ball doesn't lie". 

When I analyze with numbers Ive felt it helps eliminate that odd opinion of another that could potentially lead me down the wrong road.  The numbers are non-biased, fact based, and most importantly measure everyone the same way.  I find that extremely useful. I could tell you everything from my spin loft and average attack angle on my driver in 2016 to my current make percentage in the past month from sixteen feet.  Ive used every piece of information and technology listed above and anything else I felt could make me better.  My desire to improve, gain knowledge, and compete led me to do so.

It also led me into a common trap that a lot of us fall into and one that is not new to me... 

Self - Reliance. 

I sit here writing to you in amazement of how hard this game can be.  A string of bad golf over the past few weeks combined with a recent neck issue and I'm humbled yet again.  How is it that I could be technically swinging as well as I ever have been, have more data than ever before, more experience than ever before, and struggling?  Well after beating my head against a wall I'm wondering the same thing!  So I decided to look back over some old stuff and see what I could find. I'm grateful that I made writing a habit when I was around a senior in high school, because now at times like these I can learn from where I've come from to how I've gotten to this point.  Opening up some old journals and scanning over them I didn't find and old swing thought that clicked.  There wasn't any trackman data that made me realize what's wrong.  There were some numbers though that stood out..  

When I look at that picture I don't just see dates and blog posts.  I look at my journal and ironically my personal entries seem to dip in quantity just like the above numbers do.  "So what's the point" you may be thinking. How does journal entries and blog posts lead to a higher golf score and can the two be related?

Yes they can.

2016 was my most successful year to date (in golf terms).  Through all of my struggles and battles up to that point I was consistently learning more about who I am, who God is, and growing closer to Him.  I wrote more because I was discovering good news that I needed to document and share.  However, as soon as I came across a smidge of worldly success and had more data on my hands I subtly and slowly started to change.  Within my own mind I started to justify my success not by my growing closer to God and leaning on Him while struggling uphill, I justified it with my "better technique" and "better numbers".  I started to believe I was the one who was in control and the one who was creating my own success.  I didn't do this intentionally, it slowly and subtly showed.  This realization leads me to understand something that the majority of you who read this won't like to hear (myself included often times).

WE ARE NOT THE AUTHORS OF OUR OWN SUCCESS

Now, before you click the red (x) at the top left of your screen hear me out.  

In 2005 when I began this journey in golf I was a 13 year old kid who had nothing better to do than go hit some golf shots.  I couldn't break 85 for 18 holes if you asked me and I grew up playing on a nine hole golf course that is 3000 yards if you stretch it out, with greens that run 9 on the stimp meter if you're putting downhill.  I had no AJGA membership, no professional swing coach, 6 months of play-able weather and a set of old RAM clubs with a Zebra putter.  

(I wore jeans to my first high school match)

The numbers weren't exactly in my favor and anyone with half a brain would say the percentages were against me to have any real success in competitive golf.  I'll tell you what the numbers couldn't measure though...

IMMEASURABLE

UNQUANTIFIABLE

INTANGIBLE

perfect will from a GOD who is

IMMEASURABLE 

UNQUANTIFIABLE

& INTANGIBLE

If you want to believe you are the author of your own success I'm not going to stop you.  You go right on believing you're the captain of your own ship and calculating the numbers to your destination.  I'm going to stick with the Captain who took the 13 year old kid with old RAM clubs to a state championship, multiple collegiate wins, the Mackenzie Tour and the Web.Com Tour, and three different countries all while chasing the same ball he used to chase around the 3000 yard nine hole golf course in rural Iowa.  The Captain of my ship defies the numbers, and when I look back I am in awe of it all.

The odds are you probably don't live under a rock and yes, you've probably seen how numbers obessesed our culture is.  However, you are living on a rock that's floating and spinning in space. I wonder what the odds, percentages, and numbers are on that?

Embracing The Ugly

We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead us to disappointment.

Romans 5:3-5

This past November I stood on the 5th hole of TPC Craig Ranch in 2nd stage of Web.Com Q-School staring down a pretty basic layup shot to pretty basic par five hole.  It was my third of four rounds and I had started on the 10th hole that day so I was closing in on the final holes of my round.  Sitting at -3 for the day, I knew if I could close in -4 or -5 that would put me 1 or 2 shots back of the cut line where a solid final round would get the job done.   Not an easy task considering my 16th and 17th holes were monsters, but the par five I sat on and the par five I would finish on made that outcome very possible. After a mediocre round one and battling tough elements in round two it felt as though I was finally starting to build some positive momentum.

When you're in qualifying school even the basic shots aren't basic. I'm sure anyone who has been through it would agree. One shot means so much.

After my tee shot I had left myself with an uphill 275 yard shot to an easy pin location with no trouble around the green. Although I couldn't reach the green given the conditions our plan was to advance the ball up as close to the green as possible to leave an easy up-and-in for birdie.  After selecting a target and going through my routine I drew the club back with zero indication of any impending disaster.  However, by the time my club head was just past impact I very well knew what had happened.

Early in the 3rd round of 2nd stage

I won't sugar coat it. I hit a giant ugly fat shot. It's common term when a good player hits a shot slightly thin to hear the phrase "thin to win", but I've never heard "fat to win".

I couldn't even look up. I had to take a moment to just cool myself down because my emotions were running so hot. I knew my ball had advanced maybe 150 yards up the fairway and by no means into any trouble, but somehow under the circumstances this shot meant so much more. The par I made on that hole showed up with no color on the scorecard but the stats don't always tell the whole story. Now that I've had some time to clear my mind and get some rest, its so easy to see how this moment and shot was indicative of my 2017 season.

After 36 events in 11 months and a lot of miles, how could I not have something to write about? I've had many things cross my mind but none seemed significant enough to share. My good friend and mentor consistently reminded me that I needed to. I don't think of myself as a writer but I guess I could say I have had some writers block lately.  Finally though, after getting some perspective Ive realized that my problem isn't that there is nothing to write about it's that I haven't wanted to share with you the ugly side of the journey. I'm very grateful for all that I was able to do this past year and all the people I've was able to meet but as for the results side of the year it felt as if there wasn't much to write about. In the glitter-filled instagram world we now live in, maybe this will sound and look a little different than the normal self-promotion that the world foolishly believes is good.

Trunk made peanut butter sandwiches and car crashes. Its a glamorous journey.  

In chasing my dream there is a lot of ups and downs, more often downs than ups.  The failures are often ugly. This year alone I've failed so many times. 

- I hit three balls in the water though Final Stage of Sunshine Tour Finals to just miss my card.  

- I missed making it to U.S. Open sectionals by 1 shot.

- I missed qualifying for the Byron Nelson in May by 1 shot. 

- I missed an easy up and in on my 35th hole in the Texas Open to miss the cut by a shot. 

- I missed qualifying for the John Deere Classic by 2 shots.

- I made a triple bogey with four holes to play in the Herman Sani to finish 3rd after leading the whole tournament.

The failure in results and scores is obvious, but there are other ugly sides to the journey. For example, the time spent away from home can be ugly. 

- I've missed many family holidays
- I wasn't there the day my brother left for the Army
- I haven't got to see very many of my sisters softball games
- I've missed watching some of my friends getting married
- I've missed out on quality time with my parents/grandparents
- I've lost touch with some of my best friends

The financial battle at times can be ugly.

- There are entry fees I haven't been able to pay
- Splitting a hotel room four ways happens more than you think
- It's not that hard to sleep in your car
- Sometimes a tent and a fire will get the job done
- Odd end jobs can be great
- Grind out every shot because every penny matters
- I've never seen a mini-tour offer "benefits" and a company truck

Psychologically there is a ongoing, ugly, battle. 

- I'm often reminded by acquaintances the odds are against me
- Father time doesn't seem to slow down
- Loved ones and family members express doubt and concern
- Peers quit the journey and try to convince you why you should too
- Self doubt is never far away when things aren't going smoothly

There are many times I've drove down the highway after a rough couple days and thought to myself "what the heck am I doing?" I wish I could tell you every moment is filled with belief and determination but the truth is it's just not.  I don't want your pity, I just want to be real with you. No hash tags, no go-fund-me pages, and no instagram videos of me on a squat rack.  The real truth is I struggle in the journey often.  I battle with belief and I sometimes fall into the trap of comparison. There are times I analyze and question if whether or not I am adequte to accomplish my dream.

The road can get ugly, and that is exactly why I will continue to choose it. Instead of pretending it does not exist, I will choose to embrace the ugly. 

I do not know if I will make it to the PGA Tour.  I do know my failures, trials, and challenges will continue to develop my endurance and my character. I do know that God will not disappoint me.


Here's to the fat shots of the past and to the ugly of the future. Embrace it.