Embracing The Ugly

We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead us to disappointment.

Romans 5:3-5

This past November I stood on the 5th hole of TPC Craig Ranch in 2nd stage of Web.Com Q-School staring down a pretty basic layup shot to pretty basic par five hole.  It was my third of four rounds and I had started on the 10th hole that day so I was closing in on the final holes of my round.  Sitting at -3 for the day, I knew if I could close in -4 or -5 that would put me 1 or 2 shots back of the cut line where a solid final round would get the job done.   Not an easy task considering my 16th and 17th holes were monsters, but the par five I sat on and the par five I would finish on made that outcome very possible. After a mediocre round one and battling tough elements in round two it felt as though I was finally starting to build some positive momentum.

When you're in qualifying school even the basic shots aren't basic. I'm sure anyone who has been through it would agree. One shot means so much.

After my tee shot I had left myself with an uphill 275 yard shot to an easy pin location with no trouble around the green. Although I couldn't reach the green given the conditions our plan was to advance the ball up as close to the green as possible to leave an easy up-and-in for birdie.  After selecting a target and going through my routine I drew the club back with zero indication of any impending disaster.  However, by the time my club head was just past impact I very well knew what had happened.

Early in the 3rd round of 2nd stage

I won't sugar coat it. I hit a giant ugly fat shot. It's common term when a good player hits a shot slightly thin to hear the phrase "thin to win", but I've never heard "fat to win".

I couldn't even look up. I had to take a moment to just cool myself down because my emotions were running so hot. I knew my ball had advanced maybe 150 yards up the fairway and by no means into any trouble, but somehow under the circumstances this shot meant so much more. The par I made on that hole showed up with no color on the scorecard but the stats don't always tell the whole story. Now that I've had some time to clear my mind and get some rest, its so easy to see how this moment and shot was indicative of my 2017 season.

After 36 events in 11 months and a lot of miles, how could I not have something to write about? I've had many things cross my mind but none seemed significant enough to share. My good friend and mentor consistently reminded me that I needed to. I don't think of myself as a writer but I guess I could say I have had some writers block lately.  Finally though, after getting some perspective Ive realized that my problem isn't that there is nothing to write about it's that I haven't wanted to share with you the ugly side of the journey. I'm very grateful for all that I was able to do this past year and all the people I've was able to meet but as for the results side of the year it felt as if there wasn't much to write about. In the glitter-filled instagram world we now live in, maybe this will sound and look a little different than the normal self-promotion that the world foolishly believes is good.

Trunk made peanut butter sandwiches and car crashes. Its a glamorous journey.  

In chasing my dream there is a lot of ups and downs, more often downs than ups.  The failures are often ugly. This year alone I've failed so many times. 

- I hit three balls in the water though Final Stage of Sunshine Tour Finals to just miss my card.  

- I missed making it to U.S. Open sectionals by 1 shot.

- I missed qualifying for the Byron Nelson in May by 1 shot. 

- I missed an easy up and in on my 35th hole in the Texas Open to miss the cut by a shot. 

- I missed qualifying for the John Deere Classic by 2 shots.

- I made a triple bogey with four holes to play in the Herman Sani to finish 3rd after leading the whole tournament.

The failure in results and scores is obvious, but there are other ugly sides to the journey. For example, the time spent away from home can be ugly. 

- I've missed many family holidays
- I wasn't there the day my brother left for the Army
- I haven't got to see very many of my sisters softball games
- I've missed watching some of my friends getting married
- I've missed out on quality time with my parents/grandparents
- I've lost touch with some of my best friends

The financial battle at times can be ugly.

- There are entry fees I haven't been able to pay
- Splitting a hotel room four ways happens more than you think
- It's not that hard to sleep in your car
- Sometimes a tent and a fire will get the job done
- Odd end jobs can be great
- Grind out every shot because every penny matters
- I've never seen a mini-tour offer "benefits" and a company truck

Psychologically there is a ongoing, ugly, battle. 

- I'm often reminded by acquaintances the odds are against me
- Father time doesn't seem to slow down
- Loved ones and family members express doubt and concern
- Peers quit the journey and try to convince you why you should too
- Self doubt is never far away when things aren't going smoothly

There are many times I've drove down the highway after a rough couple days and thought to myself "what the heck am I doing?" I wish I could tell you every moment is filled with belief and determination but the truth is it's just not.  I don't want your pity, I just want to be real with you. No hash tags, no go-fund-me pages, and no instagram videos of me on a squat rack.  The real truth is I struggle in the journey often.  I battle with belief and I sometimes fall into the trap of comparison. There are times I analyze and question if whether or not I am adequte to accomplish my dream.

The road can get ugly, and that is exactly why I will continue to choose it. Instead of pretending it does not exist, I will choose to embrace the ugly. 

I do not know if I will make it to the PGA Tour.  I do know my failures, trials, and challenges will continue to develop my endurance and my character. I do know that God will not disappoint me.


Here's to the fat shots of the past and to the ugly of the future. Embrace it.